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Terrylynn is Published!
Please feel free to e-mail (or regular mail) photos of your grandkids to be included on this page!
"My goal - to be a happy grandma. It means my life is full, that my children love me and they want their children to know me." - Marie Osmond
GOOD ONE!
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.; "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
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Kids' Advice to Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?', don't answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13
"Don't squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13
"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia, 11
"Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14
"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell, 12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, 8
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Babies Sense Their Grandparents
The notion of a family network begins to take shape.
by Dr. James M. Herzog
A baby's relationship with her grandparents depends on many variables, such as how often she sees them and how available they are physically and emotionally. Yet one fact is certain: A child's sense of her grandparents in the first two years of life is largely filtered through her mother and father. If the grandparents are important to the parents, they will probably become important to the child.
From the beginning, grandparents exert a great influence on their grandchild's upbringing in one indirect but crucial way: When a couple has a baby, memories of their own childhoods - and their parents' care - often become the standard by which they view themselves in parenting roles. They may think, "I hope I can be as good a parent as my mother (or father) was," or, "I don't want to be the kind of mother (or father) I had." A new mother, for example, may be inclined to pick up her baby the minute he whimpers, because she knows that her mother's approach was to let babies cry. Depending on her experience and its affect, a mother may do things the same way her mother did, or she may choose the opposite approach.
How They Feel the Love
Of course, babies remain unaware of such background influences (important though they may be). Grandparents first become significant to a baby because when they are present, they seem to have an effect on his father and mother. Research suggests that in households where grandparents visit regularly, a child as young as 11 or 12 months can tell that his parents behave differently with the grandparents than with other visitors. Perhaps the mother or father is more open and affectionate when the older adults are around. Perhaps a parent's body language is more relaxed. (Even so, a baby won't understand until about age 3 that these older adults are the parents of his parents.)
Sometime during his second year the child comes to identify such special behavior as an expression of the love between his parents and their parents. The result of this perception is that he will intuitively glean that he, too, is on the receiving end of this love (whether or not his grandparents are the type of people who shower their grandchild with affection).
This understanding gives a child his first clue about the notion of a family network to which he belongs and adds to a budding sense that his family extends beyond himself and his parents. The existence of grandparents allows the very young child to locate himself in a community of people who are all related to him. And this family network helps him achieve a sense of identity and contributes to feelings of security and connection.
Also during the second year of life, a child becomes increasingly able to understand the stories that her parents tell about their childhoods and experiences with parents. These stories help shape the child's sense of who her grandparents are and help solidify her early relationship with them. Over the next few years, though, she will form feelings about her grandparents based not only on what her parents say about them but also on her own increasingly distinct sense of their personalities. As her relationship with her grandparents becomes steadily less dependent on her parents, the child will build a relationship with the older adults on the basis of their unique interactions and shared experiences.
Take-Away Tips
- If you and your parents live in different cities, be creative about helping them establish an important bond with your baby. Make it a priority to visit and include grandparent-grandbaby time; keep a photo album of your parents readily available and a framed picture of Grandma and Grandpa by your child's bed; have your folks talk to your baby on the phone - even if Baby can't talk back yet.
- Are the grandparents less involved than you would like them to be? Not everyone's personality and lifestyle are conducive to super-grandparenthood. First, adjust your expectations about how you think they should relate to their grandchildren. Then try suggesting activities that might fit their energy levels and personalities: taking your child shopping or swimming, perhaps, or simply reading together.
Dr. James M. Herzog is senior scholar in child psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a practicing child and adult psychiatrist.
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A Special Kind of Love
Through their grandparents, preschoolers learn about empathy.
by Dr. Charles Flatter
A grandparent's role often includes being family historian, unpaid baby-sitter, extra pair of hands, and person to rely on in an emergency. Today, as more and more preschoolers grow up in households headed by a single parent or by two parents who work full-time, members of the older generation may also be called on to function as stand-ins for the parents. But even in households in which the grandparents make only occasional appearances, they still provide a unique contribution to a child's development.
Perks from Papa and Nana
Perhaps the most important psychological benefit a child gets from his grandparents is the feeling that he is loved simply because of who he is. While no one would argue seriously that children are better loved by their grandparents than by their parents, this may seem true from a 3-year-old's viewpoint. After all, parents are the ones who generally establish household rules of behavior, setting limits and enforcing discipline. Grandparents, though, seem to float above such unpleasant associations, and a child may perceive their actions as love without any conditions or requirements. It's easy to see how an idea like this can get reinforced in a child's mind if the grandparents are especially indulgent with presents and treats or highly relaxed about TV watching and bedtime.
Beyond feeling unconditional love, children as young as age 4 or 5 can learn about another emotional concept from being with their grandparents: empathy, or the ability to feel what it is like to be someone else. When a child loves an older person who has physical limitations - who uses a cane, say, or a hearing aid - he often becomes more sensitive to and tolerant about a broad range of differences in people. At the same time, children also become aware that just because a person has a disability, it doesn't mean that he or she has lost all skills. For example, a grandmother who has difficulty walking can still sew beautiful clothes or tell funny stories.
Intergenerational Tensions
Grandparents, however, have flaws like anyone else, and they may present parents with real difficulties. For example, it is not uncommon for grandparents to have strong political or social opinions that differ from the parents'. And when such opinions are expressed in an uncompromising way, it can be upsetting to a 4- or 5-year-old. Parents can handle this by waiting until the grandparents leave and then bringing up the matter with the child. Make clear that even though the older relatives have a viewpoint you disagree with, you still love them.
Another possible source of tension between parents and grandparents may center on child-rearing practices, especially discipline. Older people sometimes believe in methods such as spanking that many parents reject today. It's best for parents to express to their parents - before it becomes an issue - their policies on setting limits and whether they want anyone other than themselves to discipline the child at all. Discussing this important issue in advance usually helps to defuse it as a source of conflict.
Parents should do all they can to encourage the grandparental relationship, even if it means feeling exasperated at times. As children grow up, their lives can only be enriched by close ties with members of an older generation.
Take-Away Tips
- Encourage your parents to tell stories to your child about their past. As they talk about their childhoods and their memories of parents and grandparents, youngsters usually gain a powerful sense of connection and identity - the feeling that they have a past as well as a future. This connection can help your child feel more secure in a changeable world.
- If your child's grandparents are also her caregivers, be sure to have a heart-to-heart with them about child-rearing issues, such as discipline, permissiveness, daily structure, and desired activities. Certainly discuss preferences about the way things should be, but also exchange feelings about issues - both positive and negative - to help resolve any conflicting attitudes. And don't forget to thank and praise.
Consultant Dr. Charles Flatter is a professor of human development at the University of Maryland at College Park Institute for Child Study.
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The Bond Intensifies
Schoolchildren find a haven in grandparental support.
by Dr. Phyllis Tyson
Deep and affectionate relationships often develop between school-age children and their grandparents. Youngsters may come to see grandparents as surrogate parents, to whom they can turn for support, comfort, or problem solving and who may at times prove more sympathetic to their needs than their own parents. Children sometimes idealize their relationship with grandparents, partly because a child naturally idealizes the adults he loves and partly because of the complexity of a child's relationship with his parents.
After all, being a good parent means finding the right balance between providing affection and encouragement on the one hand and setting limits and goals on the other. Grandparents, by contrast, aren't often called on to be limit setters (unless they are the primary care-givers). Obviously this makes it easy for the child to see them as entirely loving, sometimes even more loving than the parents.
Another reason grandparents are idealized is that they may be making a concerted effort to encourage and humor the child. Perhaps they believe that having a grandchild gives them a second chance at being parents - and a chance to avoid the mistakes they made the first time.
For example, they might encourage their granddaughter to try out for the soccer team (something they didn't pursue for their daughter) because they feel it will improve her self-confidence. Or they might make sure they give their grandson plenty of physical affection because they now think they should have been more demonstrative with their own son.
When Trouble Brews
Of course, the grandparent situation is not always rosy. Problematic issues can develop between a child and his grandparents. An older person may not always have the energy or patience for the physical demands of a rambunctious 6- or 7-year-old. Also, some grandparents believe in an authoritarian method of discipline and might
take it upon themselves to punish a grandchild who misbehaves. Their strictness may be confusing to a child who is used to a different standard at home. The discipline issue can quickly develop into a conflict between parents and grandparents. It's not uncommon for parents and grandparents to have to reach an agreement about disciplining a child.
Another issue between parents and their parents, especially during the holiday season, involves gift giving. If grandparents are in a financial position to indulge a child, they might shower her with extravagant presents. And while this usually endears them to the grandchild, parents may believe that such generosity breeds materialism or sets standards that the parents themselves cannot meet. One solution might be to give the grandparents a short list of items that the child wants and ask them to pick just one or two.
Parents shouldn't be too concerned about an occasional overindulgence. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is too important to let relatively small problems undermine it. As children move toward the challenges of adolescence, they derive tremendous security from knowing that in addition to their mother and father, there is another generation of family members looking out for their welfare.
Take-Away Tips
- Give your father every opportunity to spend time with his grandchild. Grandfathers often shy away from one-on-one time with their grandchildren, rationalizing that it has been too long since they've been around young children and that they wouldn't know what to say. Yet there is so much they can offer to their children's children in terms of being a role model, sharing wisdom, and participating in activities (such as sports, gardening, and even homework).
- Encourage your parents to make a tech connection with your school-age child. E-mail and fax capabilities are relatively inexpensive and will be less intimidating for your parents if you help set them up. They provide a fresh - and fun - way for grandparents to bond with their grandchild, and kids think computer stuff is cool.
Consultant Dr. Phyllis Tyson is an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego.
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